Where I am

Posted by ToxicDoom | Wednesday, October 06, 2010 |

Most of you are probably wondering where the hell i've been at these past few weeks. Most notably, why there wasn't a podcast episode on the weekend, like i had promised there would be. Let me sum some shit up to maybe help ya gain a little perspective.

I'm in this...dark depression hole again. My schedule's been fucked up, and i'm still going on about school. I'm very open about what i'm dealing with - for me, writing about it actually helps me when i can't talk about it. I don't have many friends that i...rely on. Or, that i open up to. It's hard when people either just leave ya cause they're only out for themselves - or, they leave because they have their own shit to deal with. Both of which i've experienced. The 3rd is the worst though: people who think they have to treat ya differently or walk on eggshells because of what ya may or may not do.

I may go off in different directions with this post. It's just my thought process - and, i apologize in advance for that. My thought process is fucked up. I can go on about one thing, and then it's almost like that shit spawns something else. And, then i blab about that.

Right now, i'm confused as fuck. Add to that, nothing seems to be going in the direction i expected/wanted it to lately. I know what i want to do - but, i can't seem to find the energy anymore to do shit. It's almost like...i don't care anymore. But, in the same sense, i do.

I wanted to be the fuck out of this house before the end of the year. But, it's obvious that ain't gonna happen. I'm still waiting for fucking housing, and the last time i talked to both of them, i wasn't an "emergency case" - AKA: Still have a roof over my head. But, right now - that's still....up in the goddamn air. It sucks when you're almost 27, and still living with the parents. Sure, there are people that do it - but, i don't want to be. This house is nothing but fucking drama, and it does nothing but engulf me in it. Leading me to the depression, and not feeling like doing shit.

It sucks when you're bi-polar. I dunno if i'm getting worse, or if i'm getting better. Hell, i could be just the same - that things haven't changed since i got diagnosed at 19 with all this shit. Like everyone, i have good days, and i have bad days. Sometimes the good outweighs the bad - but, the other 60% of the time, it's the latter - the bad days outweigh the good. And, when i have my shitty days....unlike anyone else...i get really dark - really down - really depressed.

Thought today would be different. Thought today that since i actually went to sleep at a semi-decent time for me, that i would wake up in a good mood. Well, that's how it started.


Was having my wake up coffee, and smoke - when Kelly (My step-mom) had called me into the office - telling me that dad walked in the door at noon today, and that his job had called about an hour after that, and that it went to voicemail. She wanted to hear the message.

So, i played the message for her - come to find out that dad not only didn't show up today - but, that he didn't show up yesterday. oO

That's fucked up - because, he was gone the entire 11 and a half hours that he was "at work" - walked in the door sometime after 6pm lastnight.

That's not what put me in the bad mood. It made me contemplate shit, yes. Cause, those "What if's" entered my head. The one's that question if i'm gonna have a fucking roof for much longer, and if not, where the FUCK do i go from here? Housing said last month that it could take up to 2 years for me to find a house. I don't have that kinda fucking time! I don't wanna be out on the street.

This is why i've been putting schooling on hold. Cause, since i can't do it from a school setting - the doctor's won't let me, and the intake workers at the college - as soon as they ask me what's wrong with me, and why i'm not working - i told them. And, they won't let me in without a doctor's not. As they say "We don't want to accept you, and then 2 months in or something find out that you can't handle the workload."

So, since i can't do it from school - for the past year, i've been looking into ways from doing it from home. I've found a couple of Canadian home school courses that look really good, but ICS has been the top one. It's a little under $1000 to finish my grade 12, and get the full fledged diploma, and not just the GED.

Trust me, i would love nothing better than to get off government help. I've never wanted to be that guy who's on it for his entire fuck life. Probably why i'm kinda glad that AISH didn't go through both times i've applied. I don't wanna be the guy who's 30 or 40 and still living with the parents. And, i most certainly do NOT want to be like my brother.

Sure, he has a girlfriend, and yes, he works. But, what the fuck does he have to show for it? NOTHING! He gets in debt with people - either owing money to that he borrows - or, his habit. Not to mention the dog he has to take care of, and trying to manage to take care of him and the GF.

Right now, they're bouncing around from house to house. Basically, working on the houses that he has been doing - and, once he's done with 1, they move on to the next. And, the cycle continues.

I've always had dreams of doing something with my life. Big or small. I don't wanna be that failure. And, people think i'm trying to make fucking excuses on why i'm not doing something. It's not that i'm trying to hold myself back - it's everything that engulf's itself around me that holds me back.

That's why i wanted to be the fuck outta here. And, trust me, i've not only looked into housing, but also living with a few people. But, neither have panned out. Cause, being stuck in a house with a Dad who's a drunk - who doesn't go to work - even knowing that we could lose this house if they miss 1 fucking payment....isn't enough.

Listen, i make $770 a month. And, when Grandma was around - i would've been able to file a rent report. Even after she had died, i could've. But, what do i get told from dad and Kelly? "No. Fuck that! If we have to file a rent report, that's just income we have to report on the taxes, and more money we have to pay out." I could've easily been paying $300 a month - the max they'll give me for room and board. But, dad doesn't wanna file that rent report because of the fact that he already owes over $5,000 in back taxes and shit.

So, instead of that - they basically said "Well, get phone, internet and TV - since we can't get it under our name - and, that'll be your rent." I had and still have no problem with that - because, i use all of them. Well, i use my cell phone more now - the only reason i have the home phone right now is because the parents use it - and, it's better than them using my cell phone to make calls, and giving everyone my damn cell #. I made that fucking mistake awhile ago.

But, yea. I'm not trying to make excuses on why i'm not doing shit. But, i know what i can and can't handle. And, yes...i'm in that place of knowing that i CAN Handle school. But, who's to fucking say that when i start that in January....that we don't lose this damn house in the process? What the fuck am i supposed to do then? Cause, the schooling would be done online....and, if i don't have access to a computer, i can basically kiss that the fuck goodbye. $1000 burnt for no fucking reason.

The only thing that i can't handle is the drama that engulfs me in this house - either by them involving me....or, that i fucking hear. Music can only cover up so much - ya still hear the damn yelling.

Not to mention that today - dad woke up before i went down there and he listened to the message that his work had left. His bi-polar shit is cutting in big time. He was basically yelling at..nothing. Thinking that someone was down there, and started throwing shit around calling...whatever he was yelling at....a cocksucker, a prick - and, if he wanted to have a serious fucking talk, blah blah blah.

Which led to the depression tonight. Why? Cause, the realization kicked in again. The realization that always kicks in when he does this shit. That the booze is finishing his life off. That he's on his last leg. And, the imaginary things he "thinks" are real...is basically the booze fucking with his brain. And, when it does that....it's never good.

I used to drink. I have NEVER imagined shit that wasn't there. I didn't see or hear voices. I didn't talk to anything that wasn't there. I also never fought with something i thought was there. I never had hallucinations - or, whatever the fuck else ya wanna call it.

And, him and i are not that different. We deal with the same shit. Though, i'm one step below him in bi-polar crap. I'm "Mild/moderate" - he was diagnosed as fucking severe, and a little bit of schizophrenia - with depression to boot.

Me on the other hand? Depression, Severe Anxiety, Social Anxiety Disorder, Mild/Moderate Bi-polar disorder and Sleep Apnea.

Maybe he's not near death. Maybe it's just the schizophrenia in him. But, i have a tendency to think the worst.

Which leads me back to my whole feeling of complete and utter shit. I'm back to where i started not only last year when i self-admitted. But, back to where i was when i first got diagnosed 8 years ago. I don't wanna self-admit again...but, realizing that it might come to that again...fucking blows.

I don't know when i'll be in the mood to do the podcast again. I don't like putting it on hold. But, certain things right now trump other things. And, i don't wanna give an answer - only to have to back out again because of the depression and not wanting to do fuck all but sleep.